So here we are.
I truly didn't think we'd end up here, and yet, somehow, America has managed to surprise me yet again.
If you're reading this, I'm willing to bet you feel similarly.
What the heck?
How?
Why?
What next???
These are all questions we are asking ourselves in some variation or another.
I myself have been grappling with what feels like unending sadness. I've been walking around my home and place of work like a zombie.
I feel like I'm always on the brink of tears, and at any moment, the dam could break.
As a mental health professional, I know what I'd tell myself if I were a patient.
I'd suggest physical exercise, or spending time with loved ones, or journaling. Coping strategies to help distract a depressed mind from ruminating over something I can't control.
And yet, I just can't seem to find the desire or motivation to go to the gym. Or have the same cyclical conversation with my equally-as-confused loved ones that I have with myself. Journaling has helped a little. Writing this post is helping a little. But I'm still distracted. Once I finish this post, I will likely go right back to ruminating.
As a Therapist, I would assess myself as depressed. As an American, I would assess myself as angry and resentful toward my fellow Americans. As a woman, I would assess myself as scared, betrayed, and rejected.
The truth of the matter is, I don't have some point I'm getting to in which I'm going to ignite a flame of hope and inspiration. The only consolation I have to give to you, my dear reader, is this love letter.
You are not alone.
If even a sentence thus far has resonated with you, then that makes me feel better too. That makes me feel like I am not alone either.
I hate to sound cheesy in this very serious moment but I can't help but think of Michael Jackson's song 'You Are Not Alone' which I've posted down below if you want to take a listen. It's one of my favs from him. Damn. We can't have anything nice, can we?
Anyways, the part that keeps playing over and over in my head as I write to you is:
"You are not alone
I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay"
Trust me, I want to leave. I want to book a one-way ticket to Europe, change my identity to some exotic name and background, learn a romance language, and pretend like I've never heard of Donald Trump or the United States (I didn't say my new identity was going to be of a smart person).
But, in my heart of hearts, I also know this:
This place, this broken place, filled with these people, the people whose eyes mirror sadness and frustration like mine... these are my countrymen (and women). I can't leave them.
I don't know what the future holds here. I may regret saying I’m not leaving when I'm silently shopping in the grocery store in my bonnet and red robe not being allowed to make eye contact with a man. But for now, as the world burns around me, I will stay.
So, what now?
That is a question I've asked myself a lot this week. It's a question a lot have asked me as well. I want to share with you, my dear friends, a few pieces of advice that have been exchanged between some of my patients and I as we attempted to process the last few days together…
Take your damn time.
Go ahead, be mad. Be pissed. Scream in your car (or any safe location), punch a pillow, squeeze your pet just a little bit too hard...
Take your time.
When you're ready, you'll be ready.
Remember this: You. Are. Mourning.
You are grieving. You are grieving for your future, for your past. You’re likely grieving for family or friends who you lost to this ridiculous man and maybe now have to cut off, or, for those still in your life that, like you, feel scared and even targeted. You’re grieving lost potential in what could have been.
Go ahead and grieve. Mourn this tremendous loss. And don't let anyone, I mean ANYONE tell you you're a baby, or you're overreacting, or anything of the like insisting you get over/past/onboard with it. Navigating grief and loss is not simple, or easy. Don’t feel bad if your plans for the week went to shit after Tuesday and still haven’t really been addressed. Don’t feel bad. Just feel the feels.
Ignore the hate, embrace the loss.
If you haven't been bombarded or berated by the a-holes out there like dumbfuck Andrew Tate or whoever the fuck that other white guy is, consider yourself lucky. DO NOT LOOK THEM UP. Trust me.
There are people out there right now trying to 'rage bait' you and I. What does that mean? Well exactly how it sounds. They want to get you good and mad, and will use exaggerated and inexcusable ways to do it. They will say that we deserve this, that we were wrong to have hope, they will say it in much worse ways than that.
In my humble opinion, hate is what put Trump back in power in the first place. And now that he has been "vindicated," hate is at an all-time high. Hate, racism, sexism, homophobia- these have always been around. These are what America was built on. Which is funny to think that 'Making America Great Again' suggests that those were the good 'ol days. Now that we are entering a new era where empathy and vulnerability are seen as negatives, don't let the poison that is being peddled get into your veins. We have suffered a great loss, and many people want to remind us of that. It is the truth, unfortunately. Let's begin to slowly accept it. Hey, we don't have to like it, but we do have to accept it.
You can be angry, but be aware of where the line of anger ends, and the rise of hatred begins. It's a fine line.
Stay Away from Social Media and the News for a Bit My Love.
Trust me, I am actually a hypocrite for saying this, but this is the Therapist in me giving you a tool for coping.
I am actively working on staying off the socials for a bit, and you should too. It's bad for the mind, particularly, the mental health.
Right now, there's nothing good that can come of it but to continue to stoke the flames of anger. Like I said, it's ok to be angry, but we can't overly feed the fire, it will rage out of control.
If there's an update, or a necessary piece of news that you need to know, trust me, you'll be informed. But for now, Instagram or Facebook are places where people from both sides are speculating wildly about what will happen next. The truth of the matter is, no one really knows right now. We are only days into the election results.
Let's make a promise together to practice reducing our scrolling/social media time? I personally am going to try to stay off of it for the first half of my day, because I don't like starting my day off with the energy that has been coming from my feeds.
It's ok to say "I don't really want to talk about it.”
You may be experiencing the occasional (or frequent) barrage of people on social media who want to debate you about your feelings or explain their logic for their vote. Do not engage. I repeat: DO NOT ENGAGE.
I know how tempting it is to want to digitally throw the smackdown on those who do not understand why 'you're so upset' or who try to throw salt in the wound. Just remember that feelings are a powder keg that can be ignited by the smallest spark. Don't prove them right. Don't let them take anymore of your precious time and depleted emotional energy. It's perfectly ok to tell a "friend" or loved one (especially as the holidays approach):
"You know, we can talk about this another time, I just really don't have the energy today."
Of course, you don't have to be as nice as that, but letting them know in a calm manner that doesn't reference their attempt at poking the proverbial bear just shows that you've got shit to do, and whatever that shit is, it's way more important than this futile conversation.
A final thought, just for you.
I want to leave you with what keeps that last, smoldering, dying, flicker of light alive inside of me:
During this period of darkness and uncertainty, I resolutely believe that the connections you have with those by your side become even stronger. In the few short days since the election results, I've had people reach out to me from periods of time in my life I barely remember, just to commiserate. I've hugged perfect strangers in line at the supermarket. I've had deep, heartfelt conversations with neighbors I've lived next to for years and haven't spoken to until now.
Gratitude might be hard to pull from right now, but I can say I am grateful for those around me now who have joined me in this unspoken connection. I feel that I am strangely protective of them, and they of me. We fought together, we lost together, and we mourn together. When the time comes, we'll stand together again, strengthened. For now, it feels good to know who I can truly rely on. Not the person I thought I could rely on, or I assumed I could rely on. But the person who showed up for me, for us, and tried to do what they could to help contribute to making the world a better place.
And now, please enjoy some Michael Jackson (as best as you can).
Comments